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Hair

My obsession with my hair is ridiculous and nonsensical, and definitely irrational. Just over one month ago I was proudly swaying my mane of long brown hair (with purple streak underneath on the left hand side- I loved it so much), brushing it, blowdrying it, making it sit right. It had taken me over two years to get it to that length. However, and as is usual, I was always thinking that I should change it. I had a conversation with my friend Helen one fateful night about my hair crisis (never a fickle word was spoken) and later that night I went home and did something completely disgraceful - I cut a fringe, but of course stuffed it up. Regardless I forged ahead and over many revisions, (apparently these do not work as well on hair as they do with words on paper) I had mutilated my hair. So I went to the hairdresser and got it all cut off. However, I wonder if the very first snip I took of my hair was actually the first step on the path of having a nude head, but not wanting to recognise the desire. I love having short hair, but it always makes me feel tired...so tired...looking at it makes me weary of time passing.

NOTE: apparently I was too busy in July to post.

NOTE 2: This morning I have been doing a little research on Masters by research and scholarships etc - as you do when trying not to learn about DIRKS (http://www.records.nsw.gov.au/recordkeeping/sequential_analysis_1897.asp)
and anyway I have realised that I will have to study for another full year because I do not have enough of the foundation units in order to do the research units. This means that I will probably not stay in WA and will have to return to Melbourne sometime in 2007, possibly early - as in March. No one knows about this yet and I should really speak to the course co-ordinator about it before I say anything, but all of a sudden today, right now, remembering the "you are shit" story et al, waiting for a response to an email that might quite possibly make my friend Flynn irrevocably angry with me, I feel trapped and a little panicky.

Process

Yesterday was a great day and although I did not write anything about it at the time, the rememberence of it will be good. Yesterday I realised with certain fact and complete knowing that we can never make the same mistakes. Moment to moment I am different, because I have changed. I can never be that what I was previously, I can only be constantly evolving. If I repeat something that I have done previously, an action, a decision, this performance is part of the building of experiences within living. By nature of the fact that I am constantly in a state of flux means that every previous decision or action has generated reaction. When I repeat something (make the same mistake) it is done with a complete knowing and understanding, either consciously or subconsciously of the implications of that decision or action. The unconscious craving for a the repeat of a sensation, whether it be a positive or a negatie affirmation, is always learned. So we dont always make the same mistakes and we also always learn from our mistakes.

Today is a different day and for some reason I have been thinking about a particular friend over the last few days. She is a puzzle this friend. She says puzzling things. Today, just now, a thought struck me as I was reading about sequential analysis of business records in the DIRKS manual (egads!) that everything I had assumed about our friendship may possibly have been made in error. Fights we had had previously (there is something interesting as I rarely fight with friends), as well as reactions to situations. Now I must re-write our history in my head. Finally, it is interesting when this situation occurs, because how does the re-write affect the present? I will never know if I am right about the history revision, because too much time has passed for me to ask. How do you ask a question like that anyway?
Back to DIRKS.