On my mind.

I got nothing today. I have done the Monday whinge before so there is no point in re-hashing old news. Cataloguing is for the dogs. Prob said that before as well. I am taking a break from thesaurus construction to write this. Not much going on today. Had a bit of a nanna round lunch time and dreamed of getting married, but having to unload a dirty old wagon filled with wedding banquet supplies donated/scrounged up by a friend. Strange thing was that I was getting married to someone I barely know in real life and did not have sex with in this current dream land. I wasn't sure why the marriage was taking place, and it was not organised at all, but at least I was excited. Then the dreamscape went to shit when I started dreaming about house-mates and house sharing (who knows what happened to the husband).
The sun today reminded me why spring is the time when animals get together and 'nest'. There was a lot of 'nesting' on my mind today - and I am not talking about getting hitched or setting up house with someone. What an insight that no one really needed to know. Tough. If someone is coming to visit me soon can they please bring me some choc icecream? I just need it ok?

I have just had a revelation about editing blogs. I realised that I can hide new information in old blogs, so still keeping them public, but also a secret. It feels like hijacking and feels good. Today is the 18th of november 2006 and I am inserting a paragraph I just cut out of the post I just wrote. I decided not to post it because it is too personal and apparently it is OK for anyone in the whole world to see it, just not my friends. When I stop being so vain and consider that no one actually cares, I may move it back. Somehow I do not think so.

I have lost my irrationality. Maybe. I feel so ambivalent all the time I do not know what ambivalence actually feels like. Maybe not. I still fear and use logic in morality, but I contemplate it with a smile. My neck either does not hurt anymore or is so engorged with anger that I do not know what is 'lack of feeling'. I wonder vaguely if I want this life. This is so selfish, to want disruption so greedily. It is best I leave. Move on, it never pays to listen. In all of this ambivalence I forgot my medocrity. Constant movement with no context, no intent, no feeling. I must use the word erudite because I saw it the other day and love the way it moves in my mouth. The only times I cry now is when I am confused and create a compulsion to muse over decisions. I still have food.