Last exam today

I have my last exam today. It is also Cup Day in Melbourne and right now it is looking pretty OK for cruelty to horses. I will be sitting outside the exam room when the race that stops a nation is running. I think I have only bet on this horse race twice in my life - firstly when I was about 12 and secondly when the Swedish contingent were excited about it and I thought I could join in. I am such a follower.

I have a story about my first gambling experience, which, upon reflection, is quite character revealling. I think I was quite young, before my father died, so about 9ish. I went with my mum, although there might have been another man there as well. (Actually I am not sure if it was before the parental death incident -but I do remember my mum being happy and this was not a usual occurance for many years after my father's death). Anyway, the point of the story is that mum asked me to choose a horse in a race and she would place a bet for me. I used to remember the exact details of this story for years and years, but now that I am 33, more years and years have passed and well, anyway, I think the horse's name had Rose in it. Anyway, mum placed a $2 bet and told me to give her the money. I was disturbed. My pocket money was mine to fritter away as I saw fit and to spend it on a chance seemed like a waste of my time. I did not understand anything about the thrill of the win or what gambling does to your body chemicals. I refused and tried to bargain about post-race divvies. Mum laughed and told me you have to pay first. I flat out refused. I had something like $18 of pocket money that day, which was around the year 1982 - so a lot of dosh. The horse won. Mum collected the winnings. I tried more post-race divvie splitting and she laughed at me. A lesson learnt that day. Well a couple. 1. People steal your ideas. 2. Gambling is a waste of time. Never understood the gambling thrill. Not then, not now. I did obsess about how much money I would have had if I had of said yes - that is why I held the memory for such a long time. I think I would have come home with $21 if I had of given mum two dollars. I vaguely remember regretting the decision, but I have never really learned to take a chance on something.

I often see the future of a decision far into time and ponder its far-reaching outcomes and establish a clear purpose and a clean conscience before I commit. My definitions of purpose and commitment mind you. My creation of the future as well. This is why I am going to WA and then after that I am going to Darwin and this is the only decision I can make right now. It also means that I can easily negate any chancey decision I think I might make. Such as coming back to Melbourne permanently - for any reason. I see the potential of resentment if I do not get to do the things that are important to me. Resentment towards anyone. I am not sure of the value of the scenerios for a return or the what the feelings mean - particuarly in that far future I puport to see. I am living in that future now - I have not even left Melbourne yet. What would make it OK for me to come back to Melbourne? Decisions with clear paths, or chances taken with the unknown? But those choices are fraught with problems - that I can see. Better off going to Darwin. I need to develop my independence and my confidence. I need to travel and explore. I want to come back to Melbourne, but not for a while. But I also know that I might change my mind and I might want to live somewhere else. Now if all decisions are made completely as a reaction to, and imbued with feelings and emotions, then these decisions I make are loaded. But are they the right ones?