Money

It suddenly occurred to me how different siblings can be when they are grown up. We were all raised in the same house, but we all do things vastly differently although all of us have mannerisms and values copied from our mother. I know that personality differences is the answer, but it is fascinating to see it at work. Take money for example.

It was late night musings in bed. I suddenly wondered how much money I earned now. I had been looking for and applying for jobs all evening. Not that I wanted them. Anyway, I am applying for jobs with salaries of 40-55K. My sister had sung me the other day saying that there seemed to be a few jobs in my field and that the salaries were quite good. She sounded surprised.

I had wrote a cover letter for this mass mail out of jobs. My sister says I sound like I have something firmly lodged in my buttocks. I wanted to sound professional and not desperate. So this means I have anal issues. My sister could talk about her own for days. The point of adding this ancedote may become clearer later.

Anyway, my earnings at the moment are $11700 approx. When I was studying I was earning $15800. I have been on this kind of income for many years now, on and off. I am quite happy to not earn much money. Although I would be lying if I said I was always happy. Sometimes being poor is shit.

Both my sisters earn more money than the jobs I am applying for. For them, this money means something important to them. Both use it for different things, but it is something they like to boast about. Generous they are as well, there is no denying. But there is this sense of having pride in being able to look after the people they love. Nothing wrong with that either. All great stuff.

Back to me. My lack of money means that I am more selfish and less inclined to be generous. I do not buy Christmas presents, but one of my sisters is about to spend $120 on one for me. It shames me, but I also understand that sometimes people like to and need to spend money on other people to show that they care. Although that makes it sound simple. It is definitely not simple.

And in writing this post I fulfill and explain my own part in all of this money obsession. The complexity of the presence of money in our lives is entwined with ideas of fulfillment and status as well as happiness and how we care for each other.

My selfishness, as so described by my lack of money is only true in context to it. I suggest that others would not in fact call me selfish or lacking generosity. And so I believe I bypass the money consciousness. However, I am still trying.